題記:
今天,弟弟回溫哥華了,看見他在閘口消失的身影,想起了過去我一個人在溫哥華回澳的情景,有一點失落,有很多不捨……夜裏久久不能入睡,於是起來寫作,希望憑文寄意!雖然我和弟妹年紀相差很遠,但感情卻很好.女孩子喜好相近,平日看到喜歡的東西,我一定會給妹妹多買一份,但買禮物給男孩子很傷腦筋,我總是等他回來自己去挑,好像少了些誠意!所以寫作此文補數!祝願他一路平安,健康快樂!
正文:
我的家有爸爸,有媽媽,還有妹妹和弟弟!是一個完美的組合.
可是在我年少的心中,家卻不是這樣一個完好的概念.小時候,爸媽被分配到外地工作,我住在外婆的家.外婆生了六個女兒,所有的孩子都由她照顧,我家爸媽工作分配得最遠,一個月也不能回來一次.星期六日,表哥表姐們都回家了,我就一個人留下來…..外婆家還住著因為失去家庭而患精神病的姨母,發病的時候,她就會瘋瘋癲癲地念子女的名字……家因此蒙上了些可怕的色彩!
四歲的時候,媽媽好不容易調回廣州.卻把我送進全托托兒所.我每星期只回家住一天半,媽媽說進全托托兒所是可以學會獨立……那時候,家是一個獨立於生活以外的地方,是一種每星期長久的盼望.
七歲的時候,我終於告別了全托的生活,回家去了.而爸爸卻獨個移民到澳門來,家裏剩下媽媽一個人.那一年,爸爸當擔保人出了亂子,家裏便時常出現兇神惡殺的追債人,我躲在門後,媽媽挺住大肚子在門外阻擋風雨……我們住在媽媽學校分配的小房子內,房子除了廳堂還是廳堂,睡房、廚房都在同一個平面上,大解的時候要跑到外面的公厠去……那時候,家是一個很小很小的收容所.
這一段歷史爸爸常常談起:那年,他拿著五塊錢來澳,住在營地大街的雞檔,晚行早拆,居無定所,為的是讓我們來澳的時候有一個好居所.一年過後,爸爸便找到了理想的工作,我們來澳的時候可以租住一個像樣的小單位.我們住在不怎美麗的美麗街.那時候,妹妹剛出生,媽媽來澳後人地生疏,爸爸需要值班工作,大家似乎都不在意我.在家的時候,我喜歡望著隔壁空置大宅的竹林發呆,放學的時候,我會一個人在街上遊蕩……那時候,家是一個空洞的樓房,回家的我總是往外張望.
後來我們又搬到荷蘭花園,叔叔和我們兩家共八口人住在一個兩房小單位內.小弟弟滿月後,我們終於擁有較好的居所,也是由那天起,我們的房子一間比一間大,一間比一間高級,一間比一間漂亮.移民前住的大宅,有一個很精美的平台,美得連專業攝影師也想借來拍婚紗照.由於家中環境改善,弟妹的生活便比我充裕得多,他們可以讀名校,學高級的玩意,衣食住行是應有盡有.但我還是那樣寂寞,當弟妹們醉心於他們心儀的超人和芭比娃娃時,我已經是個初中生了,我參加校內大大小小的課外活動,一天到晚也不願意回家……那時候,家是一所漂亮的旅館.
大學三年級的時候,澳門快回歸了,而我的家卻因此而離散.家人移民去溫哥華了,我卻決定留下來.我一個人住三千多尺的豪宅,第一次想念那除了廳堂還是廳堂的小房子,第一次懷念為我阻擋風雨的媽媽.多少年了,我一直埋怨爸媽沒有給我很好的童年,卻忘記了他們一直努力地為我們建構著幸福的家──是離別讓我感受到家的意義,是離別讓我學會了珍惜!
每一年春節,我都會趕赴溫哥華吃團年飯,我由澳門團年飯時間上機,到了另一半球正好又趕及他們團年飯的時間.去的時候,我會用眼淚伴著飛機上異常精美的團年飯飛機餐──當中包含了很多很多的思念;回程的時候,我又用眼淚伴著苦澀的飛機餐──裏面混著很多很多的不捨.
看著小弟弟在閘口黯然消失的身影,我是滿懷歉疚.如果我當年不是堅拒到溫哥華和他們團聚,大家會不會都願意在加國落地生根?如果我不是生了小孩子,媽媽大概也捨不得丟下孤獨的小兒子……但如果,沒有離別的苦,我家小弟弟會不會還是一天到晚留連在虛擬的遊戲世界內,忘記家的溫暖?如果,沒有離別的苦,他會不會永遠只能當飯來張口,物質應有盡有的少爺兵?希望豬家的"弟B仔"也能在苦中成長起來,變得堅強壯碩!每次遇到困難,我們要想想老爸當天是怎樣拿著五元,睡在雞檔捱過去的,弟弟在加國的名牌學府讀電機工程吃力得死去活來,為的是要承繼父業,其實,爸爸也沒有要我們承繼什麼,我們最應該承繼的是他那份堅毅和自信!
還有幾個小時,豬小弟就回家了,但願他想念我們,打開電腦翻看照片的時候,第一時間看到我給他的大禮──家沒有固有的模式,家不分地域,沒有距離,是一種情感的信賴與精神的承傳.家使我們即使相距很遠,心卻仍是很近！
記於2009年1月12日,豬小弟回溫的第一天
Hi hi sister,
I received your 大禮 already and thanks so much~!
Just want to say that I really appreciate it.
I know that you are not used to reading english so I'll try to keep it short.
I have always knew that it was tough for you when you were a child. But I think this is the first time I have hear about it with such detail and it is even tougher than I have always imagine.
Thanks for sharing with me your experience. I think you taught me a lession by telling me this past of our family. It is probably too complex to explain in detail here what I felt, but know that you really helped open my mind to something that will be of great help to me.
Do not blame yourself for not coming to Vancouver. Because just like wat you said, being separated helped us grow up a lot.
Most important of all do not feel bad for having Owen and Otto. Your two babies gave our family so much happiness that it might very well be the best thing that have ever happened to our family yet! Just look at all the laughter, especially from Dad and Mom, because of Owen and Otto and we all should know that no matter what it is all worth it. Just like what you said, I'm grown up now. I need to learn how to take care of myself and deal with the world by myself. I'm truely happy that Mom got to go back to Macau and have such a good time with Dad and you and your family. Mom and Dad worked so hard for the rest of their lives solely for us, it is now time for them to enjoy all that they could.
Don't worry about me. I will figure out a way. I will make it work. Because at the end of the day, no matter what hardship the world throws at me, I know that I have you all as my backbone. A backup so strong that I am never afriad to face the cold harsh world alone.
You are right. Being separated from you all does make me lonely. However, it has also helped me see and feel so much more clearly just how powerful our great family bold is and how helpful it can be. So, as lonely as it can get sometimes, I still feel blessed to be able to have this experience, more or less just like your experience being alone when you were a child.
So, take care, my good sister. No matter how far I am I will always feel your love and I am grateful for it. Do not worry about me and good luck with your work. Remember, as long as it is meaningful, it is all worth it.
Love,
Brother, Alex
